The Choices We Make
by kymby67
Summary: Modern AU. After much contemplation, Anthony Strallan makes a difficult decision concerning his engagement to Edith Crawley.
1. Making a Break

**_Just a little something leading up to ANDITH fest, which starts Aug 18th . I own nothing. I did borrow, for the most part, a line from one of my favorite movies which was released in 1942._**

With a heavy heart, Anthony Strallan drove towards his fiancee's flat. He and the young lady were to be wed in less than a month but after much deliberation over the past few days, the older gentleman had convinced himself that Edith would come to regret marrying a man nearly twice her age. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of her life. And a life of disappointment and regret was not what he wanted for lovely Edith Crawley.

This wasn't the first time he'd considered ending their relationship. If he was honest, the thought had crossed his mind on several occasions. Whenever someone cast a sidelong or disapproving glance at the couple while out together, the poor man's heart wavered. Many nights, after an evening spent with the Crawleys, Anthony lay awake replaying the snide remarks made by certain members of her family as wave after wave of guilt and shame washed over him.

It wasn't that he didn't love her, he did, with every breath left in his tired old body but therein lay part of the problem. Nearing fifty, the better part of Anthony's life was behind him but his darling Edith was youthful and vibrant with a bright future ahead of her and she deserved the opportunity to live life to the fullest. Which, in Anthony's opinion, wouldn't happen if she tied herself to an old codger.

So the baronet, noble fellow that he was, decided to set the young woman free. Without him holding her back, there'd be no limit to the what strawberry blonde might accomplish. Perhaps she'd realize her dream of becoming a renowned journalist or a Pulitzer prize winning author.

Though on the verge of tears, Anthony gave a small crooked grin. His Edith was intelligent and certainly knew how to turn a phrase. He was especially proud of her poetry. Her ability to convey such depth of emotion using so few words was just one of the many things he admired about her. Actually, the older gentleman thought the woman quite perfect in every way. Smart, caring, and beautiful, the middle daughter of Lord and Lady Grantham was everything he desired in a partner.

Anthony bit his trembling lower lip and brushed away the fresh tears brimming in his eyes. He mustn't be selfish. He needed to do what was best for Edith and that meant letting her go.

He patted the inside pocket of his jacket checking for the note he'd written explaining the reasons for his decision. This wasn't Anthony's first attempt at setting the young woman free and though dropping off the letter while Edith was at work seemed cowardly, he knew it was his only option. He'd never be able to make a clean break in person. One look into those warm chestnut brown eyes or a lingering touch of her hand and his heart would win. Again.

Arriving at his destination, he nearly ran to the front door. After faltering for a moment, he stooped down to drop the letter through the mail slot when he heard Edith call his name.

"Anthony, what a pleasant suprise!"


	2. Somebody's Always Saying Goodbye

_**Thanks for the lovely reviews for the previous chapter! I very much appreciate each of them. As always, Downton does not belong to me although I did borrow a line or two for this chapter.**_

Anthony turned slowly towards his beloved, a strangled sob escaping his chest as blue eyes met brown.

Stopping to scrutinize the tall blonde in front of her, Edith noticed the letter clutched in his shaking hand.

"Anthony? What's wrong darling? Have you received bad news?"

"Oh god Edith, you weren't suppose to be here. I thought you'd be at work."

"What's going on Anthony? Does it involve that letter?"

The poor man simply nodded.

"Might I have a look?"

Reluctantly, he handed the envelope to Edith, who frowned when she saw it was addressed to her. Breaking the seal, the young woman began to read while Anthony, his trembling legs on the verge of giving way, sat on the steps and buried his face in his hands. After quickly scanning the letter, the strawberry blonde, turned to the older gentleman in disbelief. Surely she was mistaken. Surely she'd misunderstood.

"Look at me" she whispered softly after reading it for a third time.

Anthony, like a child expecting a scolding, peeked out from under his arm at her.

"I don't understand. You want to call off the wedding? Why? I thought we were happy. I thought you loved me."

"It's for the best Edith. I'm too old for you. You'd come to resent me and I couldn't bear for you to be disappointed. You deserve to be happy. And you will be but only if you don't waste yourself on me."

Now that her initial shock at Anthony's words had worn off, Edith was furious.

"I cannot believe you made this decision without at least speaking to me. We're talking about my happiness, my future, OUR future. This decision that affects us both and yet I'm to have no say in the matter. If my opinion, my feelings mean so little then you, Anthony Strallan, are no better than my family!"

"Oh sweet one..."

"Don't call me that!" Edith glared.

Anthony mumbled an apology.

"It's as though I'm back at Downton where no one can be bothered with poor old Edith. Papa always sought Mary's input and Mama valued Sybil's opinion but no one ever concerned themselves with what I might think or want. When it came to family decisions, where to go on holiday or what have you, I was completely left out. I thought with you it'd be different.

Anthony stood, "Edith, please, I only want what's best for you. You deserve someone young and exciting who can show you the world. If you marry me, in a few years, you'll be stuck wheeling around a crippled old codger and spending your evenings reading by the fire. Have you really thought about the disadvantages of tying yourself to man twice your age.

"Damn you Anthony" the redhead screamed. "You and your blasted sense of honor! I thought we were past all these doubts."

Surprised by the fury in her voice, Anthony took a step back.

Taking a deep breath, the young woman fought to bring her emotions under control, "I'm not a child Anthony. I realized there'd be obstacles but I believed whatever the future held we'd be okay as long as we faced it together. For once in my life, I chose what was best for me in spite of what Granny or Papa or anyone else thought. You were my choice, Anthony. I wanted you.

"But I can't, for the life of me, understand why" Anthony admitted.

"You're a beautiful person Anthony, inside and out. What's more, you make me feel special. Make me laugh. Because of you, I know what it means to be happy, truly happy. And what I looked forward to more than anything was experiencing that happiness every day.

"Edith, please believe me" Anthony pleaded, "I don't mean to hurt you."

"But you are. You're breaking my heart."

An awkward silence passed between the couple.

"Just go Anthony" Edith sighed as she unlocked the door and stepped inside. "I love you but I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of doing battle with your demons and of trying to convince you that you're good for me. If you still don't trust that I know in my heart you're the one I want to spend my life with then perhaps we aren't as suited for each other as I thought."

"Edith please try to understand I..."

The strawberry blonde held up her hand and with a quivering voice whispered, "Goodbye Anthony" as she shut the door.


	3. Heartaches

**Thank you everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or followed not only this story but any that I've written. Family and RL have been keeping me busy so it's been difficult trying to respond to each person individually. But please know I appreciate you all very much!**

Anthony, surprised that Edith had literally shut the door in his face stood quietly for a while repeating the redhead's words over in his mind at least a dozen times or so before knocking lightly.

"Edith sweetheart" the older gentleman said, "I'm so very sorry to be causing you such grief. You're right. I should believe in you...in us. You've never given me reason to doubt you and yet I keep letting my insecurities get the better of me. Please just open the door so we can talk. Please Edith. I do love you so very much."

And so Anthony, for the next half hour waited, all the while pleading gently for Edith to forgive him. Asking for another chance to prove he was worthy of her. He waited for the door to open. It remained shut. He waited for the sound of Edith's footsteps. There was only silence.

Sinking down on the steps, he took out his mobile and repeatedly dialed the strawberry blonde's number. No one answered. After leaving several voice mails, he resorted to text messages. No reply. He'd royally screwed up this time. Edith had made a decision and apparently, it was final. She was finished with him. Standing, the tall blonde returned to the door and placing his good hand upon it, whispered, I love you Sweet One before taking his leave.

Sitting huddled in the entrance way, her back pressed up against the door, Edith, fighting back tears, listened to Anthony's soft pleas. And then came his calls followed by several text messages declaring his love and begging forgiveness. It took every ounce of strength the young woman could muster to keep from flinging open the door and rushing into his arms. But she needed to be strong. Anthony needed to realize that she would not suffer at the hands of his insecurities any longer. It was only after he'd started the motor and drove away, that Edith allowed herself to cry.

Anthony, hearing the rumble of thunder in the distance, looked up at the overcast skies and saw the rapidly approaching storm. The first drops fell softly against the windshield of his vintage Rolls but in a matter of minutes the rain pounded violently against the glass diminishing the baronet's visibility and forcing him to pull over.

Sitting and waiting out the storm, Anthony once again rehashed the couple's confrontation. And for some unexplainable reason, Anthony saw with clarity, how every word out of Edith's mouth had been truth. And suddenly, the gentleman realized how foolish he'd been to throw away the love so freely offered to him.

And there, on the side of the road, halfway between London and Yorkshire, in the midst of the storm, Anthony Strallan cried. He cried for all the hurt and pain he'd caused Edith. He cried because Edith had sent him away. He cried for the heartache and loss he'd brought upon himself. He cried because it was his own damn fault.

Back in London, Edith Crawley was filled with her own regrets. She cried for the hurt she saw on Anthony's face when she told him goodbye. She cried because she'd allowed him to just drive away. She cried because her heart was breaking. She cried because she felt she was partly to blame.


	4. The Accident

**Many thanks to everyone who read and reviewed the previous chapter. It appears this story will be a bit longer than I'd originally planned. Long live Andith!**

Arriving back at Locksley, Anthony went immediately to the library intending to write Edith a letter of apology begging her to give him another chance. Downing a tumblr of scotch, he poured another and sat down at his desk. Rubbing his weary eyes, he put pen to paper hoping to find words eloquent enough to convince Edith to take him back. Quarter of an hour passed. Thirty minutes. An hour later, the still blank page stared back at the baronet mocking him. Groaning, he leant back against the cool of the leather chair intending to rest his eyes briefly but instead dropped off into a fitful state of slumber.

Eventually, the older gentleman was startled awake by someone banging on the front door . The room was dark and it took a few moments for Anthony to realize where he was. Gathering his wits, he flipped on the desk lamp and hurriedly made his way down the hall to where Tom Branson was calling his name.

"Tom, what on earth?"

"It's Edith" exclaimed the Irishman. "There's been an accident. Her car overturned near Yew Tree farm. Mr. Mason and his son, William were passing by and they managed to pull Edith from the vehicle and called for help."

"My god is she ok?"

"I won't lie, she's busted up pretty bad. But she was awake briefly and asked for you."

"She wants to see me?" Anthony asked cautiously.

"Seeing how the two of you are soon to be man and wife that's a rather foolish question. Now get a move on!"

Anthony had never been an incredibly spiritual man. He attended services on holidays and the odd Sunday. But as Tom sped towards the hospital, the baronet found himself alternating between prayerfully pleading on Edith's behalf and contemplating why the young woman had asked for him.

"Do you have any idea what happened" Anthony eventually worked up the nerve to ask.

"Apparently Edith called Cora wanting to meet about the wedding. With the severity of the storms forecasted, Cora tried to convince her to wait until tomorrow but Edith, of course, insisted on driving out tonight. Said it was important and couldn't wait."

Anthony felt sick to his stomach. Acutely aware it was his fault that she'd desperately needed to talk to her mother, the older gentleman felt responsible for both the accident and the injuries the young woman had sustained.

Looking out into the darkness, he remembered how she'd once told him that even as a child, reading had been her favorite way to pass the time whenever the weather was nasty out. If only he hadn't written that bloody letter, she'd be safely tucked away in her London flat curled up with a good book and knowing Edith, a glass of wine. Instead, she now lay injured in the hospital. Anthony wasn't sure to what extent but judging from the look on Tom's face it couldn't be good.

Dropping him at the hospital entrance, Tom gave Anthony directions to Edith's room.

Exiting the elevator on the second floor, the tall blonde turned the corner following the young Irishman's directions to room 222. Upon reaching the room, Anthony paused. He glanced through the narrow rectangular window in hopes of preparing himself for the horrors he might find. Unfortunately, his view was obstructed by Edith's parents. Cora was tucked into Robert's shoulder and the Earl was obviously attempting to soothe his wife.

Anthony gently knocked on the door so as not to startle the couple and quietly entered.

"Oh, Anthony, thank god you're here" Lady Grantham grabbed his arm pulling him to Edith's side. "She's been awake a few times. Always asking for you of course."

"How bad is she?" the baronet asked placing a trembling hand over Edith's.

"Other than the obvious cuts and bruises, she has a severe concussion and a broken wrist. For the moment, that appears to be the extent of her injuries, thank heaven" Lord Gantham sighed. "It could have been much worse."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Anthony collapsed into a chair near the bed. Silently, he thanked God above that his Edith had been spared any greater harm. Taking her dainty hand in his, he frowned. His biggest concern now being how the strawberry blonde would react once she awoke and found him in the room.


	5. Anthony's Decision

Anthony had eventually insisted on Cora and Robert returning home to rest, promising to call the couple if there were any new developments in Edith's condition. For the next hour or so after they're departure, he sat anxiously anticipating her response upon awakening. Would she be glad to see him or would she have him thrown from the room? A bit later, the young woman awoke moaning in pain as she attempted to stretch her aching limbs. Turning her head to the left, she gazed into blue eyes filled with concern.

"Anthony, I'm so glad you're here."

How can that be the tall blonde wanted to ask but held his tongue. Instead, he smiled. "I'm glad you're awake Sweet One."

"What happened?"

"We really don't know, aside from the fact you were in a car accident out near Yew Tree Farm. We've been hoping you could fill in some of the details." Fidgeting nervously in his seat, Anthony asked, "How much do you remember about yesterday?"

"I remember leaving work early although I'm not sure why. And afterwards, obviously, I must have decided to visit Downton."

"Why" the older gentleman paused. "Edith, what was so important that you felt the need to head out so late in the evening?"

The young woman shrugged. "I've no idea."

Anthony released the breath he'd been holding. Perhaps, he thought, it would be better easier if the strawberry blonde didn't remember. Ever. He could pretend as if he'd never written that stupid letter. Marry Edith as he'd originally intended and leave the whole foolish incident behind them. That would be deceitful but at least he'd be by Edith's side...his thoughts were interrupted as Dr Clarkson entered the room.

"Well young lady, you gave us quite the scare but I'm happy to say, given two or three months, you should be right as rain."

"What about her memory loss" Anthony asked, "is that permanent?"

"It varies. After a traumatic incident some patients eventually have partial or total recollection while others might never recall details which occurred prior to the event."

Anthony's brow furrowed as he considered that information. Was he really willing to chance that Edith might never remember. Was it worth the risk of facing her wrath if she did. His conscience did battle as he mentally listed all the reasons why he should be forthright against the advantages of not doing so.

"The swelling and hematomas in your legs and feet will make mobility difficult for awhile. I've printed out some therapy exercises that you'll need to do three times a day to prevent your knees and ankles from tightening up."

"And her broken wrist?"

"I've made an appointment with an orthopaedic specialist. He'll remove the splint and put on a cast. He'll also take x-rays to determine if the break is capable of healing on it's own or if pins will be necessary to keep it in place. In the case of the latter, he'll schedule you for surgery."

"Just think" the strawberry blonde glanced in Anthony's direction, "all this time you've worried that I'll have to care for you and instead it's the other way around. Our marriage will start off with you caring for me. I suppose we could postpone the wedding."

The creases etched into Anthony's forehead grew even deeper. Should Edith regain her memory she might be more willing to forgive him if the couple were already married. If the wedding were to be postponed and she remembered...His thoughts were interrupted once again, this time by Edith.

"I'm worried that I feel so exhausted" Edith spoke up. " All I've done or want to do since being admitted to the hospital is sleep. Is that normal?"

"That's your body's response to the trauma. It's way of implementing the healing process. For the first month or so you really need to take it easy. Allow your body to rest. Let someone look after you."

Anthony, who'd always acted honorably, attempted to quell his misgivings as he reached a decision. He loved Edith and he would marry her without mentioning the letter or their row. It wasn't a decision with which he was comfortable but he wanted the responsibility of caring for the young woman. It was after all, his fault that she was injured. Any lingering doubts, the baronet may have had were quickly resolved by Dr Clarkson's next statement.

"Besides fatigue is a perfectly normal condition during the first trimester."

 **A/N : Hopefully, I haven't made Anthony's decision so farfetched that it's too out of character to be plausible for our noble baronet, _like_ a _certain jilting at the altar. :(_**


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